I am just going to come out and say it: I am probably the absolute worst person to take on a date. If I could even get a girl to listen to me long enough to ask her out, I would praise the heavens for the greatest miracle since sliced bread.

It is simply dangerous to date me, not because I am a wanted man, but because I would bore some poor girl to death.

I don’t have much experience with dating, but from what I observed in my absolute flops of a night out, I can tell you there are a couple things you need to know.

Firstly, there is no way on Earth that you can get a date by being the “cool and distant” kid who makes even Narcissus look slightly egocentric. No girl is ever going to find that desirable, and you won’t be able to even ask her on a date if you are sitting in a corner looking like a gremlin.

The second thing that is necessary when asking a girl on a date is to actually know her as a person. It might be cool now to date every other girl for about 8-12 hours, but, a few years from now, it’s going to make you seem like you were a sleazy jerk.

I recommend getting to know the person until you are friends, then just ask the question. If she is interested, great, if not, be polite and move on.

Once she has actually agreed to go out with you, the important thing to remember, from my experience, is to do something interactive together as a first date. Going to a movie is kind of awkward since you just sit there and stare at a screen for an hour and a half. It also does not help if you are the only two in the movie theater and it’s a romantic comedy with more than zero explicit scenes. I break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Doing something interactive is great, but also remember you should restrict the time a date can happen. Doing something like going to a cafe or mini golfing for about 45 minutes would be great.

You may think that, to learn more about the person, you want to spend more time with them, but you need to cut it off eventually. Trust me, anyone is boring after 45 minutes of nonstop talking.

Also, do yourselves a favor and shut your mouth before you speak, because we men have a tendency to run on and over explain things.

You think you might be impressing them with your indepth knowlege of the V8 engine, but, really, you’re boring them with your dumb story, and they’re too polite to tell you to shut up.

Listen, guys, we all think girls are going to flock to us when they see how cool we are. Stop listening to yourselves and listen to me. Girls are intelligent enough to know that we don’t know the first thing about women.

To really get girls to like you, make it clear you want to know them as a person, not as a trophy to show off to your buddies.

Girls like it when someone really cares what they think, and they are usually the ones with the ideas that work out the best. Knowing each other’s thoughts and feelings can really only help grow your relationship as a couple, and what could be greater than that?