Cancelling The Christmas Clown

Cancelling The Christmas Clown

“You better watch out; you better not cry.” I disagree. I think I will watch out and I might cry a little only because Santa Clause is coming to town. Picture this, a 300-pound house invader is spotted in your fireplace. The average person might think, “Now this is epic,” but in reality, a man has just intruded your safe space to consume your tasty treats. 

Is Santa Clause a friend, or a foe? I strongly say foe. Flash back to the year 2012 when Mr. Red Coat delivered his tribute to my family tree. Under its branches laid a red and green striped package labeled with my name. I was hoping for a “Mario Kart 8-Deluxe” DS cartridge, but instead I received a Pokémon t-shirt. For another kid, this would be a dream come true, but for myself, I was ignited with the spirit of ambition to cancel this clown of Christmas.

Santa is unrealistic. Yes, of course, he is fictional, and for a reason. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to the Second Amendment. Santa and his reindeer acquaintances could not survive a fun filled, cheerful night, at least in the U.S. Americans do not take house invasions lightly. 

In addition, in a singular night, Santa would consume 608.4 billion calories, if not more. This is another reason why the story of jolly old Saint Nick doesn’t work out. If every cookie eaten by the big man was roughly 74 calories and there is one cookie per person on the planet Earth, Christmas Guy eats enough to send him away. Also, drinking 487.5 million gallons of milk in one night will create the effect of a human water balloon. Santa could not go into any chimney without causing the house to collapse. For being a man of such high morals, gluttony is a major infraction.

Although Santa’s image is great for kids, revisions should be made. Children become skeptical and doubtful when Santa does not deliver the goods expected. In most cases a curious child will discover the truth and become heartbroken. As soon as the cat is out of the bag, the Christmas spirit is gone, and St. Nick’s gifts set a representation of a family’s yearly income. Christmas should be focused on the gratitude of family and friends rather than the corrupt dollar bill. Christmas should be about peace on Earth, not some popular perpetrator spreading greed and gluttony. The spirit of Santa has a tombstone already prepared and he needs to be placed in it soon.